Dive 108: How to end envy the healthy way
Hey, it’s Alvin!
Have you ever felt envy so strong it overshadowed your own achievements?
I have.
I've seen solo entrepreneurs on social media make thousands of dollars a month, chilling out on some remote tropical island, and I thought, “I want that.” But envy can be more destructive to your well-being than stress or anger. Until recently, I had no solution. At least, nothing that stuck. When I went looking for advice, here’s what I was told.
“Stop being envious!”
About as useful as “stop worrying,” “stop being angry,” and “stop stressing out.”
Where’s the patience and compassion?
“Envy is a waste of time!”
Yes. And cigarette smoke destroys your lungs.
It turns out knowing the consequences seldom stops unhealthy habits.
Where’s the thoughtfulness?
“Learn from others’ successes.” Or “get inspired by others’ successes.”
Well, I would have, but I resented them too much to want to learn from them.
Also, this suggestion addresses a symptom, but not the root cause of envy.
This advice follows the logic that non-envious people learn from others and are inspired by others. So, if you do the same, you’ll somehow feel no envy.
It’s like telling a terrible cook to put on a chef’s hat, a chef’s jacket, and non-slip steel-toe shoes under some remote assumption that looking like a chef and feeling like a chef will somehow improve cooking skills.
The problem is that envy prevents people from learning from others and being inspired by others in the first place. So, this advice is as useless as the others.
I was done taking advice on how to get rid of envy from those who rarely or never feel it. Because they never had to put in the time and effort to understand what envy is. They never had to address it. I spent years searching for an answer. And I found it in an “ah-ha” moment when I saw this post:
Now, because cool metaphors like “north star” were already taken, I had to go with an even cheesier metaphor. But it makes sense, so bear with me…
The solution to envy is:
A Personal Lighthouse.
A Personal Lighthouse is a focused, detailed vision of how you’d like your life to be.
If you can think of a less clunky metaphor, reply to belowthesurfacetop@gmail.com and let me know.
More than just a “north star,” a Personal Lighthouse requires a detailed vision to follow. Not just a simple “mission statement.” It doesn’t have to be about finding a purpose. In fact, it doesn’t even have to be ambitious. The point of a Personal Lighthouse is to craft a clear direction to stick to based on what matters most to you. Its job is to shine a visual beacon of light, cutting through storms and other distractions constantly threatening to push you off course.
So, how does it work, and why does it stave off envy?
A Personal Lighthouse
I’ll give you an example from my life.
I once saw an online video about one of my favourite YouTubers, Chris Broad, opening a new bar in Tokyo. On the one hand, I admired how accomplished he was. On the other hand, I wondered why I hadn’t opened my own bar.
But something in my mind immediately told me how ridiculous that sounds.
Why would I open a bar?
I don’t go to bars.
I don’t like bars.
I don’t even drink alcohol.
Envy can be nonsensical that way. Envy can make you want what you don’t really want. Without getting into all the gory details, my Personal Lighthouse involves starting a family and business. But opening a bar is not part of that vision. At all.
This realization dissipated my feelings of envy because, at worst, Broad’s success has no impact on my own. At best, I can even learn from Chris about how to run a business, which enriches my own vision. My Personal Lighthouse.
We don’t envy what someone else has if what someone else has isn’t something we want.
But for a vision to keep you focused, the vision must also be focused. So, what does it mean for a Personal Lighthouse to be focused?
A Focused Personal Lighthouse
You can’t have absolutely everything in life.
Despite what charlatans tell you.
Because when you choose one opportunity, you give up thousands of others. Economists call this an opportunity cost. A common example is that by going to work, you give up time you could otherwise spend with family for the money you make at work.
When most people see an online “influencer” boasting about how much money they made, most people focus on what the influencer did to make bags of money. But I found it less envy-inducing and more practical to dive into what the influencer gave up to get there. Because if you dive below the surface, chances are you’ll find they had to make the kinds of sacrifices that would hurt your own ability to achieve your own vision.
For example, I can’t help but notice that the influencers who spend the most hours online are also childless. Unless they turn their own family into content. But that’s a separate topic.
“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.”
- Warren Buffett
The point is: once you accept you can’t have absolutely everything, then you can focus on the 1 to 3 things that are most important to you to form the foundation of your Personal Lighthouse. I dive more into how you can find and manage the things that matter most to you in Dive 41, so I won’t go into that here.
Envy happens when we want something someone else has, but we feel we cannot attain. Sometimes we can’t attain it because we’re not willing to make the sacrifices needed to attain it. If we’re unwilling to sacrifice to get a prize, it could be because deep down inside, we know the prize isn’t worth it. That’s why the foundation of the Personal Lighthouse requires focusing on the top few things that matter most to you. Nothing more.
By focusing on a few things, you gain clarity about what you want in your future. Then, as Scott Adams said, “when you focus on what you want [your] future to be like, your brain sets its filters so you notice more opportunities in that area than you otherwise would.”
Envy is stronger when we feel we can’t attain what others have. By focusing on opportunities that build your vision, you’ll always feel that your vision is reachable. Envy weakens.
A Detailed Personal Lighthouse
We live in a world dominated by sales and marketing. And marketers love to point out all the ways your current life sucks to sell you their product or service they claim will improve your life. Their technique exploits envy by making you envious of someone else’s idealized life, pulling you off course from what matters most to you. By design.
Why else do you think people like this do nothing but crap on the career choices and life decisions of other people?
The benefit of a detailed vision is it makes your personal vision more attainable because it forces you to think through the details of what you want and how to get there. That makes it harder to pull you off course, and easier to get back on course when you drift because what you want is clearer.
A Nuanced Personal Lighthouse
To be clear, a Personal Lighthouse does not have to be a static vision religiously followed.
Your vision for what you want most out of your life can change. But if you’re basing it on what you truly value most, then it shouldn’t change much or too often. In fact, if your vision for your ideal life changes dramatically every year, that’s a sure sign you haven’t identified what you value most. Dive 41 could help you with that.
Also, your vision doesn’t need to be ambitious. Some people are already living their dream. The point of the Personal Lighthouse is less about striving towards an end, and more about staying true to what you value most. It’s also a reminder of everything you already have that you also value most. A Personal Lighthouse instills gratitude.
Your Personal Lighthouse
“Don’t compare yourself to others” is ideal, but it’s not always possible. The good news is that a Personal Lighthouse turns that comparison habit into a positive force that propels you towards your own dreams.
A Personal Lighthouse works because it forces you to focus on the few things in life that matter most to you. This focus sets up your unconscious mind to seek opportunities for building out that detailed vision, making it more attainable. The more attainable your vision becomes, the harder it will be for smooth-talking marketers to pull you away from it towards shiny objects of no value to you.
We envy others when we want what others have, but feel we cannot attain.
A Personal Lighthouse dissolves envy by focusing your attention on what you can attain. This changes how you look at what others have in two ways:
Someone else has something you don’t want. At worst, you’ll be indifferent. Who cares? At best, you’ll be happy for them.
Someone else has something you want, in which case, you can learn from them on how to get it for yourself, which builds the achievability of your own vision.
- Stephen Covey
Every ounce of envy weighs on your mental health.
If you’re ready to end envy once and for all, consider building your Personal Lighthouse.
Let its beacon cut through the storms and sirens as a guiding light towards a future that matters most to you.
Build your Personal Lighthouse.
End envy.
Reply to belowthesurfacetop@gmail.com or click “Message Alvin” below if you have questions or comments for me. Let me know how you overcome envy. Also, be sure to check out Dive 41, where I share a way to help you focus on what matters most to you day-to-day:
Thank you for reading. Build your Personal Lighthouse. And I’ll see you in the next one.