Dive 69: Why make friends with "enemies"
Hey, it’s Alvin!
When I was a kid, I had a classmate who would tease me, call me names, and give me the stink eye all the time.
Then we became the best of friends.
In fact, I had a few friendships that started out the same way. It takes a relationship-building skill that’s rebellious. Because it goes against how most people today think about relationships. But it’s a skill that’s helped me build strong bonds, which is said to increase happiness. And it even has the bonus of bringing people together. Sadly, this is a skill that’s fading away.
In today’s world, my classmate would be labelled a bully, and I would be labelled a victim. He would be scorned and shamed into submission while I would be coddled like a toddler. Categorizing the two of us as bully and victim creates an immediate divide. We’re adversaries. Opponents. Enemies.
That’s not how I saw my classmate.
In fact, if people called him a bully, I would’ve pushed back. I would’ve said he was just misunderstood. And that he just misunderstood me. Because I had this weird mindset as a kid. But one I fully embraced:
When someone hated me, I grew curious. Psychology was always a subject that intrigued me. I just didn’t know all the theories and jargon. That didn’t stop me from trying to understand why someone hated me. I had a burning desire to know. But I also knew that what people say is often misaligned with what they think and feel. So, I never asked directly.
The way I got to know someone better was to find out what they were interested in. And if the two of us were interested in the same topics, we could chat about it to establish common ground. We could build rapport. If we had no common interests and I was still interested in making friends, then I would pick up a new interest.
My classmate was a huge fan of The Simpsons. So, I started watching The Simpsons. Then we’d chat about it, reference the TV show and laugh together. It’s not just that we became friends that way.
The Simpsons gave me insights into how my friend thinks, what he thinks, and why. He loved the show because it spoke to him. By diving into the show, I could understand why he loved it so much.
I learned to think more like him.
Of course, he loves more than just The Simpsons. I’m just keeping it simple here. The point is: you can learn a lot about a person by engaging in their passions. And when you connect with another person this way, you can find common ground. You can make friends.
On “Evil” Ideas
This technique might sound obvious to some people, but it’s also a dying art. I sense some people are afraid. They’re afraid that if they understand a “bad” person’s point of view, then they’ll somehow become a “bad” person, too.
That’s not how ideas work.
An idea isn’t some evil miasma that creeps into your soul and corrupts you. That’s why critical thinking is important. It’s why knowing and sticking to your values is important. It helps you make sense of the pros and cons of every idea. My friend and I both like The Simpsons, but that doesn’t mean I agree with him on everything. And I’m sure he sees me the same way. If my friend asked me to take up smoking, I would’ve said no.
But it’s not just the fear of ideas that stops people from building meaningful relationships these days.
On Cutting People Off
The internet seems very casual about cutting off relationships rather than building them. The modern technological landscape makes it easy to do. Even though cutting people out should be an absolute last resort.
If you haven’t heard, there are young people cutting ties with their parents and other family members because they disagree on politics. And “friends” are cutting ties with friends for the same reason. What’s causing this disturbing trend?
I believe social media trains people to cut ties. Don’t like someone’s opinion? Block them. It’s easy. Just click the “block” button. It’s even easier when you have plenty of followers who agree with everything you say and do. Because blocking people is so easy, it easily becomes a habit.
It’s not just social media either. I recently listened to a podcast featuring retired news anchor, Peter Mansbridge, who spent 48 years in the news media business. Around 34:20, Mansbridge talks about how (North American) politicians are sowing division to attract votes. But it wasn’t always that way.
We live in a world that has very rapidly become so different than the one we grew up in…. Where the sense was that the goal in politics and the goal of a good leader was to find ways of moving the ball forward…. Trying to work with not only their own team, their own party, but others as well. They were always going to disagree on key things, but there was… to be a certain degree of movement to achieve big things.
That doesn’t happen anymore.
And in fact, nobody even wants that in terms of the political, those who are in the role of strategy.
I heard somebody say the other day that unity, in other words, getting along together, is a loser. If you push… “I can be the great uniter,” you’re going to lose. If you push, “I’m going to be the great divider,” you’re going to win. So, unity is a loser and division is a winner. Now that’s not what any… of us grew up thinking. But that appears to be the way that things are developing…
I’m not a fan of division, especially when it’s used by people with lots of power to get even more power. I don’t care whether it’s…
A politician sowing division to get more votes.
Or a dictator sowing division to control the masses.
Or a social media company sowing division to attract people to (and keep people on) their platforms for advertising money.
Why? Because it creates unnecessary conflicts between ordinary human beings like you and me. The more we divorce ourselves from others, the lonelier we are. This would explain why loneliness has been rising over the years. Loneliness can raise depression and anxiety. Depression and anxiety are also rising. Coincidence? I don’t think so. We all have an emotional need to connect with those around us.
When we deliberately cut people from our lives, we lose connections.
When we let politicians divide us, we lose connections.
When we lose connections, we get lonely, depressed, and anxious.
That’s why I have a burning desire to bridge gaps. I hate being manipulated. It’s hard to build relationships with someone you’re told is an enemy. But building relationships is a responsibility to ourselves and our society, especially when there are powerful forces prying us apart. Because we can only achieve well-being by coming together in unity.
Peter Mansbridge said that politicians who push “I am the great uniter” are seen as losers these days. That just means we entered an era where those in power want to rule with an iron fist.
Luckily, I’m not a politician. Most of us aren’t. And that’s great news. Because we have already seen the unity of the masses bring down tyranny throughout history. There’s power in unity, teamwork, whatever you want to call it.
And it’s time we recognized that we’re being played. It’s time we reached out to fellow human beings with understanding to help one another. So, we can work together towards a brighter future.
I’m ready when you are.
Reply to belowthesurfacetop@gmail.com if you have questions or comments. I’d love the hear from you.
Thank you for reading. Build relationships like a rebel. And I’ll see you in the next one.