Dive 80: Choosing Your Emotional Flight
Hey, it’s Alvin!
A friend once asked me what music I like to listen to.
I like listening to whatever gets me in the mood I want to get into. If I want to get my blood pumping, I listen to something upbeat. If I want to chill, I listen to something soothing. For nostalgia? I listen to 80s and 90s music I grew up listening to in the car when my dad drove me to school.
My friend gave me a weird look. So, I asked him what he listened to. And he said it depends on whatever mood he’s feeling in the moment. So, if he’s feeling sad, he’d listen to something sad.
I listened to what I wanted to feel.
He listened to what he felt.
Believe it or not, these two contrasting perspectives on music tell us a lot about how we engage with our emotions. They show us ways of dealing with our emotions, and how the greatest leaders make the most of them to succeed in life. How do we do that?
We choose our emotional flights.
Before I explain what that means, I want to make one thing clear. I DO believe our emotions can be “managed” (or chosen). Just not in the way people usually think.
Some people think emotional management means “suppressing emotions.” That’s what most people these days think when they hear the phrase, “boys shouldn’t cry.”
We now know that suppressing emotions is terrible for mental health. So, people have been advocating for the opposite: let it all out. Be as expressive as possible, so nothing is suppressed. Except…
These aren’t opposites.
These are two sides of the same coin. Why? Because in both cases, the person is acquiescing. They let their emotions choose THEM.
In the former case, emotions drive the person to lock their emotions deep inside. In the latter case, emotions drive them to tears. Either way, the person lets emotions they did NOT choose to take them places they may not want to go.
But there’s a better way.
I call it choosing our emotional flights. An approach based on Stoicism. Unfortunately, a ton of valuable wisdom is completely shunned by modern society because the media and pop culture have lied about stoicism. Many people I come across assume that being “stoic” means keeping your emotions bottled up inside.
Not at all.
Being stoic means choosing your emotions. Not directly. Obviously, we can’t just flip an emotional switch to become happy in an instant. It means looking at a situation from a different perspective to elicit a different emotional response.
It’s like flying as a passenger.
Your emotions will always be the ones flying the plane. But you can choose the flight that takes you to the places you want to go.
You can choose your emotional flight. You choose your emotional flight by looking at a situation differently.
What does that look like?
The story of Epictetus
Epictetus is one of the more famous stoic philosophers. He was born into slavery to a cruel fellow named Epaphroditus. One day, Epaphroditus twisted Epictetus’ leg as hard as he could. Epictetus warned Epaphroditus about twisting it too far. When his leg snapped, Epictetus calmly smiled without a single tear and responded, “didn’t I warn you?” Epictetus walked with a limp for the rest of his life. But he remained unfazed. In his words,
“Lameness is an impediment to the leg, but not to the will.”
He could have chosen to keep his feelings bottled up inside or weep about being lame for the rest of his life. But he chose to see it as nothing more than a physical impairment. By changing how he looked at his situation, he took an emotional flight to a happier place.
This approach is still relevant today.
The story of my mentor
One of the best mentors I ever had recently left my software development team. This isn’t the first time it’s happened in my career. And whenever it happens, I feel two primary emotions: first sadness, then happiness.
Sadness was because I felt like I was losing someone amazing. I could dwell on my loss and weep for days. But why would I do that? Crying about it would do nothing for me. So, I chose not to.
Because I could also feel happiness. My mentor was beginning an exciting new journey of his career. Starting his own business. That’s spectacular and so incredibly inspiring. But it was also an opportunity for me to step up my game. To fill the absence for the sake of our team.
I had at least two emotional flights to choose from. So, I chose the emotional flight that made me instantly happier and towards self-improvement.
The story of me
When I was a kid, I was never told that “boys shouldn’t cry.” What I heard a lot was, “crying doesn’t solve problems.” Notice that neither expression tells you how to “not cry.” So, some people did what felt easy - they suppressed their emotions. The better way is to choose another emotional flight. That means shifting focus away from how the problem makes you feel towards solving the problem that’s causing you pain.
Do I listen to sad music when I’m in the mood? Sure. But when I need to get moving, I choose my emotions by listening to something upbeat.
Choosing your emotional flights isn’t just good for you. It’s what great leaders do well. Because if you know how to choose your own emotions well, you can motivate others by helping them choose their emotions, too. If you have a dream that inspires you, then you can share that dream with others to inspire them.
There’s a story of President John F. Kennedy’s visit to NASA in the 1960s. It’s said that during his visit, President Kennedy met a janitor at NASA. When asked about his work, the janitor didn’t talk about mopping floors. He replied, “I’m helping to put a man on the moon.”
The story is often used to show the importance of a shared, inspiring vision in an organization.
Keep your emotions bottled up or let it all out if you want. Just know that those two options are one and the same. They’re not opposites.
The true opposite is to seek different perspectives. So, you can find the best way forward and set yourself up for success.
Choose your emotions. Don’t let your emotions choose you.
Our ancestors knew this 2000 years ago. Let’s bring it to the present.
Reply to belowthesurfacetop@gmail.com or click “Message Alvin” if you have questions or comments. I’d love the hear from you.
Thank you for reading. Choose your emotions. And I’ll see you in the next one.