Dive 82: Rivalries are overrated

Are you still headed where you want to go?

Hey, it’s Alvin!

One day, when I was around 13 years old, my dad drove me to a local swimming school where I had been learning to swim for several years.

I wasn’t there to take swimming lessons, though.

I was there to take lifesaving classes once a week at night after school for several weeks. It was a small class of five students. I didn’t know anyone there. It was our first class together, but we introduced ourselves and got to work.

We learned the basics of rescue breathing, CPR, water rescues, all that good stuff. But there was also a fitness test. So, we all slipped into the pool to show that we could swim the required 800m in 14 minutes.

When we were done, we got out of the pool. Class was over. I grabbed my towel from the pool deck to dry off a bit as I started heading back to the dressing room. That’s when a classmate caught up to me from behind and said, “I guess we’re rivals now.”

Huh? What?

No one had ever declared me a “rival” before. I thought that just happened in sappy pre-teen high school dramas. I thought that’s what sports reporters do just to drum up drama to attract more viewers to a sporting event.

Besides, a rivalry is based on competition. What would we be competing on? Best execution of the Heimlich manoeuvre? Fastest treatment of cardiac arrest? Maybe he wanted to compete on who could swim the fastest for the fitness test? But that’s tangential to the lifesaving skills we were there to practice.

I was so confused.

I felt bad for turning down his “offer,” but I had zero interest in a rivalry. So, I could only respond with a dismissive, “ok…”

We never spoke of it again. I assume he understood I wasn’t interested.

What’s the REAL point of a rivalry?

Good rivalries emerge organically.

It doesn’t need to be declared openly. And if you have to ask someone to be a rival, the answer’s probably, “no.”

A rivalry requires:

• Two people

• at roughly the same skill level

• who both thrive off of competition

• looking for partners to compete against

Just think of some of the most famous personal rivalries in history, like:

• Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal

• Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant

• Gordon Ramsay and Jamie Oliver

As soon as two competitive people meet, they’ll just start challenging each other. That’s when the rivalry begins. No questions asked. If you have to ask for permission, it’s probably because the person you’re asking is not interested.

I may not care much for rivalries, but I understand why some people like them.

Rivalries can be thrilling. You have an actual person you can chase or who can chase you. You can also bond with another person who can challenge you and help you overcome your own hurdles.

But rivalries aren’t for everyone, all the time.

The desire to create a rivalry or find competition to better yourself could be a sign that what you’re doing lacks meaning to you. It’s a way to create a source of extrinsic motivation to keep you going. It gives you another person to whom you can compare yourself. They may be quite similar to you. But you’re still comparing yourself to others—a mindset known to cause unhappiness.

A rivalry could lead you to chase what your rival is chasing, which may not be what matters most to you.

A rivalry is better for people who enjoy what they do. It’s better for those who are already among the best in “the game,” looking for the smallest ways to improve further. A rival of similar skill can give you a point of comparison to help you find specific ways you can better yourself. But notice that the focus is still on being the best you can be, not being better than others.

What’s an alternative to a rivalry?

A rivalry can be a valuable tool in specific situations. But the desire for rivalry or competition could also be a sign that you need to slow down, step back and ask yourself, “why am I doing this? Is this really what I want out of life?” Especially if you’re not doing it for self-improvement.

Even self-improvement is only admirable in pursuit of a something meaningful.

I write for this newsletter to improve my writing. Not for its own sake. Not for no reason. I want to improve my writing so readers can feel powerful emotions. I want to instil meaningful life lessons to show that the little everyday moments we have are beautiful, engaging and entertaining, too. As a bonus, I hoped to connect with my readers better, build deeper relationships, and effect positive change.

I don’t need a rival for that.

And neither do you.

If you’re pursuing what matters most to you in life, then it alone should be enough to motivate you to improve every day. You don’t need to compare yourself to others. You don’t need competition.

All you need is to slow down and reflect on what matters most to you in your life. Then, you can devise a system for self-improvement, which you can learn more about in Dive 39.

In the words of philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche,

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

Reply to belowthesurfacetop@gmail.com or click “Message Alvin” below if you have questions or comments. I’d love the hear from you.

Thank you for reading. Remember what matters most to you. And I’ll see you in the next one.