Dive 83: How to Grow Courage
Exercises to strengthen the muscle we call Courage.
Hey, it’s Alvin!
Let me let you in on a little secret.
Starting this newsletter was hard. It was always challenging to put my heartfelt thoughts and feelings out in public. Making new friends has also been hard for me for this same reason.
I’m getting used to it with practice. But I still get skittish every time I see a comment. I still ask myself, “did they like it?”
It’s hard. But I continue to publish for my newsletter anyway because every edition I publish lets me face my fears. Or to put it another way, it lets me exercise my courage.
Along my writing journey, I learned to focus more on how to write so my stories can be more engaging for you. That meant getting feedback. And applying that feedback in upcoming editions so I can make something better for you each time. At least, that’s the goal.
Over time, that meant shifting my focus towards my readers and my newsletter. It meant shifting my focus away from my self-conscious fears, which let me move forward with more courage.
I also realized that courage is like a muscle. It only grows with exercise. The good news is that life offers lots of opportunities for us to exercise courage. We just have to recognize them. Today, I’ll share a few examples to give you an idea of where to look. The key is:
Courage means doing the right thing when you REALLY don’t want to.
This might sound obvious. But it’s worth remembering. Because all too often I see people getting it backwards.
On Criticisms
The other day, I was watching a couple of YouTubers in a heated exchange. Both were caught up in attacking each other’s character.
“YOU don’t know how to conduct research for your videos!”
“Well, YOU don’t know how to cite sources the right way!”
“But YOU don’t know how to form persuasive arguments!”
In fact, I see this kind of mudslinging on the internet all the time. And nothing positive ever comes out of them. For one, it doesn’t change minds. Fans of each YouTuber won’t “switch sides” when their idol is being attacked by the “other side.”
The accusations made by each YouTuber are examples of Destructive Criticism. It’s destructive because it doesn’t just take down a person; it stokes hatred among fans of both YouTubers.
In over 10 years of professional software development, I’ve gotten and given tons of feedback on code I wrote. In recent years, I’ve also gotten and given feedback on writing.
What I learned all these years is the importance of adding value to others. It didn’t matter whether they were clients, users, managers, or teammates. Feedback can be a way to add value. But feedback only adds value if the recipient understands it. The recipient only understands feedback if it’s expressed from the recipient’s point of view. As former educator, Stephen Covey, would say,
“seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Your feedback is only as valuable as your understanding of the person getting it.
I can’t expect a junior developer to know things a senior developer would know. So, I might not be as harsh towards a junior than a senior who writes spaghetti code. Some people are hard on themselves, so I might be gentler with my words, knowing they did their best. Others are undisciplined slackers who might need some harsh words to perk them up.
Some need a pat on the butt.
Some need a kick in the butt.
You need to know the person well to know which one will work in context. That’s why feedback given to/by random strangers on the internet almost never lands.
Feedback also has to be constructive. Constructive Criticism is specific, actionable feedback the recipient can build on. It targets the product being made, not the person who made it.
“The code is bad,” is not constructive. Because the developer can’t do anything with that information.
“The code could be simpler if you used this other function,” is more constructive because it shows the developer how they could do better.
Constructive criticism doesn’t just allow the recipient to grow, which gives value to the recipient. It also lets the recipient give more value to others. So, everyone benefits.
But as you can also see, it takes a lot more work to give constructive criticism than destructive criticism, especially if you don’t like the person.
Anyone can help a person they like. That’s easy.
Anyone can attack a person they don’t like. That’s also easy.
But the truest test of character is in exercising courage by helping a person you DON’T like.
It takes courage to help someone you don’t like because you need to understand their point of view from their point of view. That opens the door to the possibility that you may have been wrong about certain ideas. It leaves you vulnerable.
But this is also how we bring people together. This is how we maintain a peaceful, civilized society.
This is true of other skills, too.
On Empathy
“I wish they would listen more and be more understanding.”
I often see this sentiment online too.
They wish the other person had more empathy because they don’t know how to cultivate empathy. Empathy can be cultivated by exercising courage. Take the lead, reach out, and understand where the other person’s coming from. I find people are more willing to understand my position after I show an understanding of theirs’.
Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
As a software developer, it’s my job to understand the needs of my clients and users. Sometimes, what our clients think they want isn’t technically possible. That’s when we work with them to find a solution that solves their problem and works. That’s when we seek to be understood.
Understanding and addressing people’s needs is how software developers add value to the world. We don’t just sit back and “wish” our clients want what we want.
As with criticisms, anyone can empathize with a person they like. That’s easy.
Anyone can ignore a person they don’t like. That’s also easy.
But the truest test of character is in exercising courage by empathizing with a person you DON’T like.
It takes courage to empathize with someone you don’t like because you need to understand their point of view from their point of view. That opens the door to the possibility that you may have been wrong about certain ideas. It leaves you vulnerable.
But this is also how we bring people together. This is how we maintain a peaceful, civilized society.
One more example…
On Honesty
One of my favourite follows on X/Twitter is a fellow called, Paul Portesi. Here’s what he had to say about honesty:
Let's be honest
People that say that only say it because they want others to be honest.
More over, they want others to be honest about the particular subject that they want to be honest about.
I want people to be honest what they don't want to be honest about.
That's honesty.
I want people to criticize people they don’t want to criticize. That’s criticism.
I want people to empathize with people they don’t want to empathize with. That’s empathy.
I want people to be honest about what they don’t want to be honest about. That’s honesty.
The real value of all the skills we have lies in our ability to use them when we DON’T want to use them.
Why? Because that’s usually when they’re most valuable to ourselves and those around us.
That’s also when it takes the most courage. Because that’s when we open ourselves to change that we fear we may not like.
These are our opportunities to exercise our courage.
Forget about bungee jumping or skydiving. There are everyday exercises for courage that are totally free.
Courage means doing the right thing when you REALLY don’t want to.
That’s the key.
Reply to belowthesurfacetop@gmail.com or click “Message Alvin” below if you have questions or comments. I’d love the hear from you.
Thank you for reading. Exercise your courage. And I’ll see you in the next one.