Dive 94: How do you avoid regret in life? RISE above it.

Work with what you have. Not what you wish you had.

Hey, it’s Alvin!

As someone who’s been making software for over a decade, I often come across a question like: “why haven’t the developers implemented feature X even though people have been asking for it?”

I will answer this question. But bear with me because buried below the surface of the answer is a secret. The secret to avoiding regret in life.

But first we need to answer that question, “we’ve been asking for feature X for years, why is it still not done?”

When anyone suggests a feature, it goes into a backlog. It’s a to-do list. But the backlog isn’t processed in a first-in-first-out way. If the team is well run, there will be someone who orders the backlog items by priority. Nowadays, that’s often a product manager (PM).

The PM determines the priority of every new item compared to every other item on the list. And it’s so we release the highest priority features first. But you might think feature X is the highest priority. While your friend might think feature Y is the highest priority. So, what criteria does the PM follow to set priorities?

It’s all on the big boss. The one who runs the company that makes the software determines what makes the most financial sense. Kind of. Often the clients who pay the most money have the most influence over priorities. So, you could say the biggest clients have the final say on what gets done right now. That has consequences.

Clients big and small are almost always suggesting new features and improvements. So, if the requests from smaller clients are always pushed down the backlog, then when would the developers get to them?

It depends on how quickly the dev team can work through the backlog. It could take months. Years. Sometimes never. So, the next time you’re wondering why YouTube hasn’t implemented a feature requested by viewers for years, just follow the money. Advertisers are their biggest customers. So, they’ll likely address advertisers’ needs long before someone visiting their website for free.

And in the many years I worked in software development, I never once saw an emptied backlog. There were always items to do, even for sunsetting software. But this isn’t unique to software development. Some to-do lists are inherently endless. And a key cause of regret.

The bucket list

A “bucket list” is a list of things you want to do before you “kick the bucket” (i.e. die). The rationale behind the bucket list is to avoid regret you might feel in your last moments. By completing all the items you want to do before that happens, you can rest in peace without regrets.

At least, that’s the theory.

Ask anyone with a bucket list whether they checked everything, and the answer is almost always, “no.” Those who checked every item inevitably get bored, so they add new items to the list. To the very end.

A bucket list is an endless list. Much like a software backlog.

Is that all life is? A list of items to check off? Sounds hollow and boring to me.

But if all bucket lists are inherently endless. Then, that means regret is inevitable. Because you’ll always find something you want to do but haven’t done. So, it seems the more we try to avoid regret, the more regrets we have later.

Some people like to use fear of regret as motivation to get stuff done. But I don’t like to rely on fear as motivation. I don’t want to do something out of fear. If you don’t either, there’s an opposite outlook we can rely on—one that’s led to career success stories.

Let’s flip this frame.

RISE

Regret is what you feel when you focus on what you haven’t done. The most successful people I ever worked with focus on a 4-step process that’s better for growth and well-being than fearing regret.

1. Review what you have done.

2. Identify your strengths based on your past accomplishments.

3. Survey your current situation. Where are you in your life, career, etc.?

4. Evaluate the next best step forward based on the above.

To make the most of what you’ve got, review what you’ve accomplished. In Dive 63, I wrote about recording your wins and losses. I introduced to you what I called “the status report,” as a proven way to build confidence. But it’s also a written record of everything you accomplished and overcame—your experiences, skills, and talents. It’s a way to identify your strengths. Who you really are. But having personal strengths isn’t enough.

We each have our own situational strengths (and weaknesses), too. Let’s say Bob discovers he’s great at writing. It’s time to level up. But maybe Bob can’t afford to pay thousands of dollars for a writing course. Or a traditional book publisher. Given his financial situation, it might make more sense for Bob to join writing clubs where he can exchange feedback with other writers for free. Survey your situation to make the most of what you have.

Once you know your potential and situation, you can evaluate the next simplest step you can take to make the most of it. Instead of finding a traditional publisher, Bob could consider self-publishing a book.

Review. Identify. Survey. Evaluate.

RISE.

Software development works the same way. Once you know the next highest priority item to work on, then you need to figure out how to implement it. But there’s always more than one way to implement a feature.

The best way forward is always the simplest solution that gives the most value to the customer. And whether a solution is simple depends on how easy it is to add on top of the rest of the software already built. So, we can only identify the best solution by taking stock of how the existing software is built. That’s how software development teams succeed. By “rising” to address the next most pressing need. RISE has additional psychological boosts for you on an individual level.

RISE develops intrinsic motivation without fear or regret. Because if you’re always making the most of what you’ve got, then what do you have to regret? You can’t do more than you can.

Rather than dwelling on the misery of what you haven’t done, RISE focuses you on what you can do. So, RISE nurtures a sense of gratitude for all you’ve done and gone through up to this point. All of which built up the potential you have today. That’s something neither fear nor regret do. And we know gratitude is great for mental health.

We also know from psychology that attention is a limited resource. So, when we’re focused on what we have, we’re less focused on what we don’t have. Put another way:

Gratitude is the opposite of regret.

When you have more of one, you have less of the other.

So, if you have a bucket list, get rid of it.

Forget relying on regret for motivation. Living a life fearing regret or fearing the fear of regret just adds misery. Especially when trying to avoid regret gets us closer to it.

Review. Identify. Survey. Evaluate.

RISE.

Take regular stock of your experiences, skills, talents, and situation. Then find the simplest way to make the most of them. As long as you’re making the most of what you’ve got, there’s no room for regret. The added benefit of RISE is that it fills you with gratitude.

For life.

Reply to belowthesurfacetop@gmail.com or click “Message Alvin” below if you have questions or comments. I’d love the hear from you.

Thank you for reading. RISE. And I’ll see you in the next one.