Dive 116: How successful people see beyond limiting perspectives
Hey, it’s Alvin!
What if the biggest thing holding you back… is your own perspective?
The most successful people I know aren’t always the smartest. They’ve just mastered the skill of flipping perspectives. In this Dive, I’ll show you how to challenge your default point of view to help you think more clearly and grow beyond your limits.
We’ll use a variation of a technique I shared in Dive 88 that deepens our understanding of the world by taking a claim, assumption, or perspective and flipping it around. I call this mental shift Flipping the Frame. It’s one of the most powerful tools I’ve used to break through blind spots and grow.
Today, we’ll dive deeper into flipping perspectives because one of the hardest skills to learn is to see a situation in a way that directly opposes the one you are most comfortable with.
This technique is not easy, but it only has 3 steps:
Reflect
Recognize
Resolve
Let me show you what it looks like in action.
Reflect
I once came across this post by Gurwinder I agreed with. At first.
On the surface, what he said makes sense. I’ve seen people waste hours of their lives arguing online. I also thought it must be that they just get high from winning arguments.
But then I wondered, “How does Gurwinder know what they’re thinking?”
How does he know that “social media convinces lazy people they’re geniuses”?
How does he know that the lazy person who gets the last word “thinks they won the argument”?
More importantly: How do I know?
Because I’ve done what Gurwinder did here. I’ve judged people based on what I assumed their motivations were. But when I dove deeper into this tendency, I realized my judgments often said more about me than others.
If your opinion depends on knowing the inner thoughts of a stranger, or even someone close to you, then you might be in a mental prison. You can only know what people say and do, and even that knowledge is likely to be incomplete or out of context. And you definitely can’t tell what others are thinking as often as you believe you can. It just feels as if you have that ability. It is an illusion.
- Scott Adams on mind-reading
When I was a kid, someone might say,
“Someone farted!”
Instantly, someone else would respond,
“Whoever smelt it, dealt it!”
A variation of this went:
“You’re a liar!”
To that, someone else would reply,
“It takes one to know one!”
Even back then, we understood the human condition on an unspoken level. Calling others out often reveals something about ourselves.
Wittgenstein’s Ruler: Unless you have confidence in the ruler’s reliability, if you use a ruler to measure a table you may also be using the table to measure the ruler. The less you trust the ruler’s reliability… the more information you are getting about the ruler and the less about the table.
- Nassim Taleb in Fooled by Randomness
Some people try to soften their language to make themselves sound less accusatory. So instead of “you’re a liar,” they’ll use an adjective like, “you’re misinformed.” Or they’ll use a verb like, “you’re spreading disinformation.” It’s just a technique to avoid being called out for the same behaviour. They use this technique because they’re betting you won’t notice their accusation. Because they want to avoid being called out for the same behaviour. They’re still accusing you.
I noticed over the years that I tended to see the worst in others, things I dislike about myself. People like to point out others’ nasty behaviours to deflect attention away from themselves. Psychologists call this projection.
At some point during our pre-teen years, kids stop calling out, “someone farted” because we recognize it’s normal, and also because we don’t want to be accused of the very act we’re calling out in others. But this extends beyond bodily functions.
Recognizing that I exhibit traits I dislike in others starts the process of extending my understanding of the world by broadening my perspective. As it would for you.
We live in a judgmental world. There’s finger-pointing everywhere.
This person’s lazy.
That person’s hateful.
The person over there is stupid or ignorant.
But I trained myself so every time I feel compelled to judge someone else…
I pause.
I reflect.
By seeing a part of myself reflected by someone else, I realize I’m probably the same way. At least, sometimes. And that opens the door to the next step…
Recognize
This is a tough cookie. Or at least it seems that way on the surface. But once you recognize—acknowledge—the trait in yourself enough times, you will feel the power and freedom acceptance gives you.
People don’t like accepting that they have a “negative” trait because they’re afraid of others pointing out their flaws. I get it. I feel that. But I learned it’s less bothersome once you accept that:
You’re not perfect.
You can grow.
When you own your flaws, no one can use them against you.
There’s real freedom in saying, “Yes, I’ve done that. But I’m working on it.”
Recognizing that you have a trait you don’t like also opens the door for you to dig deeper into why you have that trait. Once you find its causes, you can address them. Recognizing your flaws frees you to change and grow out of them. Whether you do? The choice is yours. But…
You cannot change what you don’t accept first.
By the way, whether you actually have the trait does not matter. “Recognizing” a trait—even one you don’t really have—opens you up to empathize with those who have to deal with that trait. It opens the door for you to help others, which lets you build powerful new relationships.
The reason I can sympathize with what Gurwinder wrote in this post is because I can be lazy. Sometimes. Accepting my laziness made me more accepting and sympathetic to other lazy people. And only because of that, I realized there’s a logical flaw in Gurwinder’s post. Do you see it?
Resolve
By fully accepting your flaws, you can resolve whatever resentments you have for others with the same flaws.
Because you can relate to them.
They are like you. You are like them.
Gurwinder said that lazy people “get into arguments with busy people who can’t sit around arguing all day.” But arguing with others all day sounds like a ton of time and effort I don’t care for as a lazy person. That made me realize: maybe the issue isn’t laziness at all…
Because I’m looking for ways to be less lazy, I need to understand what Gurwinder is really talking about. So, that’ll have to wait until he clarifies what he means.
To be fair, I also work with lazy software developers. At least, “lazy” is how some people describe them. But these developers put extraordinary effort into automating away “boring” tasks.
The difference between the “lazy” devs and the “lazy” online debaters is that the developers channel their laziness towards productivity. They’re adding value. If we’re being honest, online arguments accomplish little more than adding animosity among people. I wouldn’t consider that a value add.
There’s more to unpack here. For now, at least you have one more skill in your arsenal. When you feel tempted to judge another person for undesirable behaviour, remember the 3 Rs:
Reflect on similar behaviours you may have had in the past, or now
Recognize the traits you have, and that you can grow out of them
Resolve resentments you have for others who bear the same traits
Reply to belowthesurfacetop@gmail.com if you have questions or comments. Try the 3 Rs this week. The next time someone annoys you, Flip the Frame. Reflect, Recognize, and Resolve. And see what it teaches you. I’d love to hear what you discover.
Thank you for reading. Reflect, Recognize, Resolve. And I’ll see you in the next one.