Dive 70: How lazy empathy divides people

Empathy shines most when it's given to those you DON'T like.

Hey, it’s Alvin!

On January 5^th, 2018, two planes collide with each other on the ground at Toronto’s Pearson International Airport.

At around 6pm, a WestJet Airlines Boeing 737 lands at Toronto’s airport and taxis to its gate. As it gets closer to its gate, a Sunwing Airlines Boeing 737 collides with it. The Sunwing plane was being pushed back from its gate when its tail struck the wing of WestJet, causing the tail of the Sunwing to catch fire.

The Sunwing plane was empty. But the WestJet plane wasn’t. So, the pilots of the WestJet evacuated all 168 passengers and 6 crew by emergency slides. The Sunwing fire was extinguished and everyone survived.

I happen to be a commercial aviation enthusiast. So, I figured this would be a fantastic opportunity to connect with and learn from fellow enthusiasts about this incident. Maybe I’d make new friends.

And what better place to do that than on the social media platform known as Twitter? It had the reach that would let me find like-minded people on a niche topic. As well as trolls and people with pent up anger issues. Fun.

Twitter was where I found aviation photojournalist, Tom Podolec, who posted the news and captivating photos of the accident. Replying to his tweet was a self-proclaimed former military pilot (let’s call him, “Steve”) who lauded the WestJet pilots for their heroism and decision-making, to which Podolec agreed.

Now, those who know me know I’ve been a software developer for many years. I am an engineer at heart. That means I enjoy solving problems. But also, we engineers have this weird quirk where we’re always looking for better ways of doing things.

Since the WestJet plane wasn’t on fire, I wondered whether evacuating passengers by slides was necessary. Because emergency slides can cause injuries. Maybe stairs would’ve been better? So, I commented that while I agreed the pilots were heroes; I wondered whether deploying slides was the best option. I admit, I could’ve worded my tweet better.

Steve was furious.

He insisted the pilots were heroes and were to be commended. He didn’t address my point at all. And then, in a separate reply to Tom, he exclaimed how he’d never heard of accidents from emergency slides before. He didn’t tag me in that reply.

I’d show you his tweets. But Steve’s account has since been suspended.

Steve’s behaviour is typical of a fan. An avid supporter of a specific person or group of people. I know because I’ve spoken with people of other fandoms who behave the same way. Maybe you know the type. I’m talking about people who take their fandom uber seriously and solemnly. Like a fan of a sports team. They are such ardent supporters of their side; you are forbidden from even asking a question that might make their side look bad.

Fans have what I call Fandom Empathy.

Every member of the fandom easily empathizes with every other member of the fandom and everything the fandom has been through. Except, every fandom has its detractors. Especially if they are fans of a controversial idea. There are tons of those throughout history. And detractors often form a rival or opposing fandom. Here’s the rub:

Hard-core members of one fandom cannot empathize with members of an opposing fandom.

So, Fandom Empathy sows division.

That empathy can divide people is such an unintuitive idea, people rarely discuss it. If at all. Instead, we’re told that empathy is an absolute good. What’s bad about understanding another person’s feelings and point of view?

Nothing.

Unless we withhold our understanding of an opposing point of view.

We all start off as outsiders of all conflicts. At some point, we’re told to better understand the plights of a specific person or group of people. That’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that. But once you take a side, you’re no longer an outsider to the conflict. Then, the Fandom Empathy within the group prevents you from understanding counter viewpoints.

But there is a type of empathy that brings people together. I call it:

Purist Empathy.

Purist Empathy is the purest empathy.

A common sentiment I’ve come across is: “Empathy is easy. It’s just about listening with an open mind. If only that group of people over there would listen more, then the world would be a much better place.”

Sure.

Except, the people on “the other side” are saying the same thing. That sentiment is an example of Fandom Empathy. Yes, it’s easy to empathize with people on your side. They’re people you like. But can you empathize with someone you hate?

Probably not.

Fandom Empathy is easy. But Purist Empathy is not.

Because Purist Empathy requires you to not take a side to understand all sides of a conflict. Only by understanding all sides can you pull everyone together. In unity. That is the TRUE power and purpose of empathy that modern society overlooks.

Purist Empathy is valuable in at least 3 distinct ways:

1. Purist Empathy makes you hard to manipulate.

Authoritarian regimes take advantage of hatred as a human weakness. Historically, they controlled the masses using a technique called “divide and conquer.” Let the citizens fight amongst themselves so they don’t unite against the government.

How do they do that? By creating and fueling “us vs. them” narratives. By telling you to empathize more with people in your party while reminding you that the opposing party does not “deserve” empathy. That they’re subhuman monsters.

There seems to be a misconception that if you empathize with a “bad” person, then you’ll become a “bad” person, too. I learned that it’s quite the opposite. Because understanding a different viewpoint doesn’t mean you have to agree. This is where critical thinking is handy.

If you can empathize with anyone, then you can see through manipulation. Because you can see through lies. Empathy makes you harder to control.

2. Purist Empathy reveals your blind spots.

Understanding opposing viewpoints lets you see what others can see that you can’t see yet.

Like dangers.

Or maybe you’re just stuck on a hard problem. This happens to me all the time in software development. Sometimes, I have a hard time finding a simple solution. I know one exists, but it just doesn’t occur to me.

This is the value of teammates who have vastly different points of view. They help me see problems in ways I just can’t see on my own. Sometimes, we just need help from someone who can pull us out of the hole we dug ourselves to show us another way. The trick is: they won’t always be people we like or agree with.

Nowadays, I see a lot of frustration from people who see a lot of problems, but don’t know what to do about them. They’re often the same people who are set in their worldviews. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

What I learned over the years is that we might dislike someone just because we don’t understand them. But understanding them doesn’t just gain us a new friend, it gains us solutions to problems we couldn’t otherwise solve.

3. Purist Empathy brings people together.

Empathy is about understanding, right? But that’s not the most valuable part. It’s not even that hard. The REAL value of empathy is bringing people together.

Unity.

How do you do that? By making sense of multiple viewpoints and finding commonalities to pull them together. The hard part is that those viewpoints often conflict with one another. Or so it may seem.

Back in Dive 11, I talked about a tweet I posted with a visual I drew. A fellow named Daso disagreed with the message I posted.

At that point, I could’ve done what most people do on social media. I could’ve just ignored Daso. Or I could’ve called Daso an idiot. But that’s not my style.

Instead, I tried to understand where Daso was coming from. I succeeded. And that’s where many people stop. When we accept new ideas, we also tend to discard old ideas as being “wrong.” But as I explained in that Dive, that’s lazy, binary thinking. Because it’s possible the old idea and new idea are both right in different ways.

I called this technique, Idea Unification. By making sense of Daso’s idea, and my idea, we came to a mutual understanding.

Empathy only shines when it’s hard to use.

All of this is to say that empathy is just another tool. How we use it determines whether it benefits or harms us.

When we’re lazy, we empathize only with those on one side of a conflict. I called that Fandom Empathy. That just further divides people. And division among the masses is the reason countless innocent people lost their lives throughout history.

Purist Empathy is hard because you need to take time to understand conflicting perspectives. But Purist Empathy is also what brings people together. Unity has consistently destroyed murderous tyrannies throughout history. That’s the real power and benefit of empathy. Always remember:

Division shows the absence of empathy.

Reply to belowthesurfacetop@gmail.com or click the button below if you have questions or comments. I’d love the hear from you.

Thank you for reading. Practice Purist Empathy. And I’ll see you in the next one.

P.S. The Great Divide is an episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender that illustrates well this division-unity dynamic. Check it out if you haven’t already.