Dive 75: Don’t become your mentor
Dive 75: Don’t become your mentor
Hey, it’s Alvin!
I want to share with you advice I got recently on how to choose what books to read.
Think of a mentor, someone whose taste you respect. If you wish to be more like them, look closely at what they read. Your mentor’s favorite books and films are the cultural artifacts that have shaped their taste and their perspective. If you want to follow in their footsteps, read what they have read.
On the surface, this seems like good advice. On top of finding quality books to read, you can become as great as your favourite mentors. Then, I thought to myself, “wait a minute… every book my mentors recommended to me was so incredibly boring.” I started wondering why. It’s not that the books were inherently boring. They just didn’t resonate with me.
I realized there’s something off about the advice above. So, I want to apply some critical thinking and arm you with 3 caveats:
You don’t want to become your mentor.
Your tastes are mostly not shaped by your favourite books.
You can’t become your mentor just by reading what they read.
You don’t want to become your mentor.
There are plenty of people I admire and have admired since I was a kid. I talked about three of them in my newsletter in Dives 8, 32, and 57. Yet, there’s never been a single person I idolized so much that I wanted to become them. Not one. Not even close.
Don’t get me wrong. I have tremendous respect for all of them. Because they’re great at what they do and are successful in their lives and careers.
But they’re also flawed.
As we all are. So, I realized long ago that I never want to become my mentors. Instead, I just want to learn from them.
I want to gain their strengths without their weaknesses.
I know that may not always be possible. Sometimes a weakness is the shadow of a strength. But like excellence, it’s worth striving for. Because why settle for becoming your mentor when you can become even better?
Or better yet, why not just strive to be the best version of yourself?
You have your own unique set of values, strengths, and likes.
Besides, your mentor probably doesn’t share your dreams. If you follow in the footsteps of your mentor for too long, you’ll end up fulfilling your mentor’s dreams. But what about your own?
Remember: your mentor’s not perfect. If you read all the books your mentor suggests, and the information in those books contains flaws, then you’ll pick up those flaws. You might learn to think more like your mentor. But if your mentor’s thinking is flawed or limited, then you’ll adopt the same flaws and limitations in your thinking.
If you already admire a mentor so much that you can’t see their flaws, then you’re already thinking the same things in the same way as your mentor. Reading more of what your mentor reads would just confine you more to a narrow point of view. If you want to broaden your mind with a fresh perspective, you’ll need to find someone who doesn’t think like your mentor.
Of course, this all assumes reading what your mentor reads makes you more like them. But maybe that’s not true…
Your tastes are mostly not shaped by your favourite books.
Nassim Taleb’s Incerto revolutionized the way I think about risk and uncertainty. It’s one of the most influential series of books in my life. And yet it barely influenced my overall “tastes and perspectives.” More than anything, my life experiences account for at least 80% of how I see the world. Long-time readers of my newsletter know how much I draw life lessons from my experiences.
Maybe if you spent most of your time reading books, they’d have a disproportionately high impact on your perspectives. But if you’re out in the world living life, they probably wouldn’t.
But even if your mentor’s perspectives were shaped by the books they read…
You can’t become your mentor by just reading what they read.
Let’s assume for a second that your mentor’s perspective is 100% determined by one book they read. You won’t become your mentor just by reading the same book. Because two people can read the same book and get something different out of it. This is true of all media. Not just books. Because each person’s unique experiences shape how they interpret what they consume.
The writing style you’re reading right now was inspired by my mentors,
and . They introduced me to a foundational approach to newsletter posts. But I didn’t stop there. Over the last 18+ months, I refined this style by incorporating the narrative styles of other creators I admired.YouTubers like Drew Gooden and Jenny Nicholson.
On pacing with humour and keeping concise.
Psychologists like Robert Cialdini.
On applying the basics of persuasion.
Lawyers like Camille Vasquez.
On advocating a specific stance with storytelling.
And so many more. Sure, most of these people are more muses than mentors. But they still influenced my writing style. A style I continue to refine based on my own values, strengths, and likes so I can express myself as best I can in ways truer to who I am.
So, yes, I can recommend the works of Louie and Chris. I certainly do. They’re fantastic writers with thoughtful, practical ideas. But you won’t become anything like me just by reading their works. And that’s probably for the best.
Because, honestly, you can do so much better than being like me.
What’s the alternative?
Let curiosity be your guide.
What do you like to spend hours thinking about? Read books that feed that curiosity. Non-fiction and fiction books often reference other media. If you follow these trails down rabbit holes, you’ll eventually stumble on an idea that opens up a whole new world to you.
In my mid-20s, I knew I had a fear of uncertainty I wanted to resolve. That desire fuelled my curiosity. And that curiosity led me to a series of books and eventually, Nassim Taleb’s Antifragile, Skin in the Game, and the rest of the Incerto series. It changed how I looked at risk forever.
It helps to keep an open mind because a life-changing book isn’t always recommended by the people you like most.
I recently finished The Art of Loving by psychologist and philosopher Erich Fromm. His take on the concept of love blew my mind. Who recommended it to me?
ChatGPT.
I was thinking about the relationship between love and hate. And ChatGPT recommended this book. It wasn’t even an accurate recommendation because the book didn’t address the specific questions I had. But every paragraph resonated with me and inspired new insights in me about what love is.
But just because The Art of Loving changed my life doesn’t mean it will change yours. Because what you get out of it will differ from what I got out of it. And while it blew my mind, it has but a tiny influence over who I am.
My life experiences contribute much more to who I am, my tastes and perspectives. And there’s no way for anyone else to relive my complete life any more than others can relive yours.
That’s why reading what your mentors read won’t let you become more like them. And that’s a good thing.
Because you don’t want to become your mentor.
You don’t want their weaknesses. Only their strengths. Ideally. You do that just by learning from them. Not becoming them.
I’m not saying you should never follow in the footsteps of your mentors.
But if you do let someone guide you, just remember:
Your own journey is waiting for you.
Don’t get so caught up following your mentor that you lose yourself along the way.
Reply to belowthesurfacetop@gmail.com or click “Message Alvin” below if you have questions or comments. I’d love the hear from you.
Thank you for reading. Don’t become your mentor. And I’ll see you in the next one.