Dive 81: How to fill the void when you lose someone special

Loss can be an opportunity for growth.

Hey, it’s Alvin!

As a gardening hobbyist, sometimes I have to remove a plant that isn’t doing so well. It hurts to give up on a plant that’s still living. It hurts even more to see the empty spot in the soil after it’s removed. But nearby plants continue growing. And if they grow fast enough, they’ll quickly fill void the with their foliage as their roots extend to where the previous plant was.

As I thought about this, I realized there are two ways we can move on from the loss of a loved one. We can grow from it. Or we can hold ourselves back.

We all lose loved ones. But people I know who live long, happy lives don’t see the loss of a loved one as a loss at all. At least, they don’t focus on the loss aspect of it.

This is about more than just how we deal with a person’s passing. This is about how we can best carry on with our lives when we can no longer be around someone we admire, respect, or care for. I’ll give you an example from my life in software development.

Growing from a departing mentor

One of the best mentors I ever had recently left my team to start his own business. So, the team leader and I had a 1-on-1 meeting to share how we felt about it.

I was sad. But happy. Sad that I could no longer work so closely with someone so talented. Yet, happy that he can pursue his passions on his own terms. Then, my team leader reminded me that the way to make the most of my mentor’s departure would be to grow to fill the void.

He didn’t phrase it that way. He just said we should think about my mentor’s best traits, and adopt them ourselves. Adopting my mentor’s best traits would strengthen me. The growth opportunity would strengthen our team, too. This is what I call growing to fill the void.

How would we do this?

It meant reminding ourselves:

“How would he respond to this issue?”

“What kind of attitude would he bring?”

“How would he approach this problem?”

Would we always act the way he did? I doubt it. And that’s ok. We weren’t trying to become the mentor we lost. We just wanted to adopt the best of what he offered, which boosted us in two ways:

1. Each of us could identify specific areas to improve on.

2. The team didn’t completely lose all the strengths of the departing team member.

Actually… there’s a third benefit too.

Growing to fill the void gave us a positive outlook that boosted our spirits. After all, the only way we could think of what our mentor would do was to keep him in our memories. It was like he was still around. In spirit. Or even a part of us. And if our mentor’s still around, then there is no loss to grieve.

By growing to fill the void, we reframe the situation as an opportunity (to grow) rather than a loss.

Consumed by the void

If you don’t grow to fill the void, the void will consume you.

The obvious example of the void taking over is when a person drowns in alcohol and drugs to forget their sorrows. But there are other examples that seem innocuous on the surface.

For example, I recently read in a news article about a person who created a “motherless day” event in Toronto. It was created for all of those who lost their mothers to gather and connect with one another on Mother’s Day. The event featured activities like “flower pressing and card writing as well as giveaways and a performance by [a] comedian/storyteller.” In the words of the organizer, “Motherless Day is all about turning what can be a low day into a day of connection and creating community with others in a similar place.”

This kind of event works great to grieve and soothe one another. But if we’re being honest with ourselves, an annual event like this is nothing more than temporary relief. Not only does it hold us back, but it can also be a disservice to our beloved mothers. The name itself is a setup for failure.

Calling the event “motherless day” focuses attendees on not having a mother. It focuses on loss. That’s why the organizer described Mother’s Day as a “low day” that they wanted to reframe as a positive by connecting with other motherless community members.

The danger of this is it encourages people who feel the absence of their mother’s love to seek that love in other people. People who may not have their best interests at heart. Even if they did, seeking love in another who’s not ready to give it sets up both parties for disappointment.

Flower pressing, card writing, and a comedy show are distractions that give a temporary illusion of a mother who’s still alive. But when the show’s over, reality returns. Along with the pain of loss. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

There’s no distinction between Mother’s Day and “motherless day” if you believe in human spirit. Did you know that Mother’s Day (the American national holiday) originated with Anna Jarvis, who wanted to commemorate her late mother? Jarvis didn’t call it “motherless day.” Do you know why?

Anna Jarvis saw Mother’s Day “as a way of honoring the sacrifices mothers made for their children.” It was in honour of her own mother, Ann Reeves Jarvis, who led clubs to teach local women how to care for their own children. And it wasn’t just about respect for mothers.

By spotlighting her mother, Ann Reeves Jarvis continues to lead by example of what a mother should be. In spirit. And it was only possible because, like her or not, daughter Jarvis grew to fill the void by promoting the idea of honouring mothers annually.

I know the organizer of motherless day called it “a chance to both commemorate and celebrate the moms we once had.”

So does Mother’s Day.

The only reason the organizer felt the need for a different name is because they’re focused on what they’ve lost rather than making the most of what they gained during their time spent with mom. So, they’re relying on a community of surrogate mothers to backfill what’s lost, rather than growing to fill the void.

Grow to fill the void

I don’t think we need a “fatherless day” either. But fill the void how you want.

All I know is that the happiest people I ever met always grew to fill the void of the people they lost. It makes sense because when we adopt the greatest aspects of those we lost; they become a part of us. It is self-love. Because our love for them and their love for us stay within us. Keeping our loved ones in our memories this way lets us make the most of all our time spent together. Done right, it can feel like our loved ones are always by our side. In spirit.

Reply to belowthesurfacetop@gmail.com or click “Message Alvin” below if you have questions or comments. I’d love the hear from you.

Thank you for reading. Grow to fill the void. And I’ll see you in the next one.