Dive 85: How anger is used to control you

How schemers use your anger against you

Free yourself.

Hey, it’s Alvin!

The modern internet is a rage-inducing machine. Because it works to get attention. Something every salesperson and marketer wants. Eyeballs = money.

For this reason, anger can be a powerful tool for control. How powerful?

How anger nearly got my family stranded in a big city

Many years ago, I went on a mid-July Mediterranean cruise with my parents, my cousin, and my cousin’s parents. My mother asked me to plan out the trip beforehand, so we’d know exactly where to go and how to get from one place to another.

I poured days of my time planning the entire trip. I printed off maps, directions, and notes—stacks of documents that I brought with me. Like a lawyer. This was before smartphones were everywhere.

But when we got to Rome, my mother had my uncle take charge. Oh. Great. So why was I asked to spend hours of my time planning everything? As far as I knew, my uncle didn’t even volunteer to lead the way. I guess all of my efforts just went to waste.

I was beyond furious.

I threw my hands up in the air, and said, “fine. Whatever. I give up. Do whatever you want.”

I was immature. It was petty. I know.

I tried convincing myself this was good because it meant I didn’t have to do any work finding my way around a place I’ve never been. And I wouldn’t be responsible for anything that goes wrong. I guess.

Of course, emotions don’t respond to logic. So, there was still a big part of me that resented having wasted my time. I was mentally prepared to take charge. And that was taken away from me for no good reason. What I didn’t realize was that this piss-poor attitude set me up for failure later in the day…

Our cruise ship docked at Civitavecchia—a port about a 1-hour train ride to Roma Termini—Rome’s main railway station where we had lunch. From there, my cousin led us to the Colosseum via Rome’s metro system with the help of a map. I’m not convinced my uncle wanted to play tour guide. Then my cousin led us back through the metro system to the Vatican. When we left the metro station closest to the Vatican, my cousin didn’t feel so well.

The Colosseum.

So, we decided to return to the cruise ship. We looked around and couldn’t find any taxis that could seat all six of us. And our budget was tight. So, the plan was to find a taxi for my cousin, aunt and uncle. Then, me and my parents would take the train back from Roma Termini. I thought,

“Oh, shit.”

Because my parents were counting on me to make our way back. Except… my cousin led us all to the Vatican. And I paid no attention to how we got there. In part because I spent most of the journey sulking, brooding and dwelling on a petty issue. And in part because I was acting all carefree. And that was because I was being an immature, obstinate brat, absolving myself of all responsibilities. So much so, I left all my travel notes and maps back on the cruise ship.

Luckily, we found a taxi big enough to seat all six of us. Doubly luckily, the taxi driver was willing to drive an entire hour to the port. We made sure to pay him extra for the trip back. I’m super grateful for the kindness of that driver because I’m sure most drivers would’ve turned down that journey. From this experience, I realized…

Anger Blinds

I like to think everyone knows this. But it’s important to remind ourselves what anger does to us.

Anger is like a cloud that hangs around the mind. It’s hard to just hand-wave it away. Because what makes anger powerful is it hyper-focuses you on what you’re angry about. I spent so much of that day in Rome dwelling on my misery that I couldn’t focus on anything else. You can see in the photo above that it was a sunny day with clear skies. But I couldn’t enjoy it. I was so distracted by my frustrations; I got lost in the streets of Rome.

You get lost when you’re angry. When you’re lost, you look for guidance because we don’t enjoy feeling lost. So, when someone offers us a way out, we follow. But we may lose the “leader” on the way out. Or worse, the “leader” may not have the best intentions for us.

That’s why it’s important to be aware of people who consistently focus your attention on things that make you angry. Because there’s a good chance that those people are trying to manipulate you. By focusing your attention on what they want, they can distract you from things they don’t want you to be aware of. And they can exploit your anger to make you do their dirty work willingly.

For this reason, I believe politicians secretly love infighting. Progressives vs. Conservatives. Males vs. Females. Fit vs. Fat. Because by building anger against the “other” side, they gain control over “their” side. It’s a smoke screen to make you feel lost. Because when you lose yourself to anger, they can control you as your “saviour.” There’s a simple, but hard solution for this…

Forgiveness

I grew up in a Buddhist household where I learned that forgiveness is a critical part of Buddhism. Because it’s a way to build compassion to ease suffering. But most people don’t even know what forgiveness is.

Most people confuse forgiveness for absolution. Absolution is about releasing another person of wrongdoing. That’s not forgiveness.

Some people confuse forgiveness with forgetfulness. Forgetting a past wrong can help with forgiveness. But it’s unnecessary.

Forgiveness is only about letting go of your anger towards another person. How you do that is up to you. For example, you could choose your emotional flight.

Forgiveness is not at all about the person you’re forgiving. It’s about YOU. Forgiveness is about releasing yourself from anger. It’s self-compassion and self-care. Choosing not to be angry with another person anymore. Freeing yourself from whatever control others have over you. So, you can start enjoying your life again.

Forgiveness is to free from anger.

Absolution is to free from guilt.

Forgetfulness is to free from memory.

That’s the distinction between the three.

Forgiveness is a choice you make for your own sake.

It’s time to bring forgiveness back to modernity so we can find ourselves again.

Reply to belowthesurfacetop@gmail.com or click “Message Alvin” below if you have questions or comments. I’d love the hear from you.

Thank you for reading. Forgive. And I’ll see you in the next one.