Dive 93: It’s not what you see. It’s what you don’t see.

It's not the absence of thrust, but the presence of weight, that causes a plane to drop.

Hey, it’s Alvin!

I failed a job interview.

It wouldn’t be the first. Or the last. But why did I fail this interview?

According to the interviewer, I was “a bit quiet.”

Everyone who’s ever met me in person considers me a “quiet guy.” I’ve been a “quiet guy” since I was a kid. So, I know the ins and outs of being one. There are, in fact, strengths to quietness. But they’re often overshadowed by its drawbacks. Someone who says little is just harder to understand and relate to.

I had this job interview several years ago with a manager and two other interviewers sitting around a round wooden table in a small room that resembled a closet. After the interview, I got an email from the manager with some feedback.

I was surprised because I don’t usually get feedback from interviewers. But I welcomed what the manager had to say because I wanted to improve. The comment that stood out to me was,

“You were a bit quiet.”

For the second time, I was surprised because I swear I spoke 80% of the time. And it was a tiny room. So, I don’t think the comment was about the volume of my voice. Again, this remark didn’t faze me because “you’re quiet” is something I’ve heard my whole life.

“Speak up more!”

“Ask more questions!”

“Get more involved in class discussions!”

Teachers have been pestering me for years to talk more.

I’m a quiet guy.

And all the teachers in my life let me know year after year. They all had different ways of getting me to talk more. And I’d try. I swear. I tried. And I feel like I talk more now than I used to. But to this day, I’m still told:

“You’re too quiet.”

So… that might not change.

I’m not upset. Or complaining. Because after 30 years, it’s hard not to accept this is who I am. And part of this acceptance made me realize there’s an aspect of “quietness” that’s overlooked.

What my teachers saw was a quiet kid. A kid devoid of noise.

They weren’t wrong about getting me to talk more. Because how else could I connect with people? And build relationships?

But it’s not that I disliked talking, per se. Part of the problem was that I hated being in the spotlight, and talking places attention on you. So, I liked observing and listening more. Because of that, I often noticed details others missed. It’s something I dove into more in Dive 21.

Teachers often wonder whether I have questions. I do. And I know others often interject in a lecture or presentation when they have a question. But I’d rather let people finish their entire explanation before I ask my questions because I don’t like to interrupt someone else’s train of thought. And my questions are often answered at some point, anyway.

So, it’s not that I don’t have questions. I’m just not seen asking questions, which makes me seem even quieter.

Unfortunately, you can’t see listening, either, which made me realize…

The absence of something is often the presence of something else you can’t see.

I’m still working on my conversational skills because I want to be fun to talk to. If someone explains something to me, I’ll reflect back what was said in my own words to check my understanding. Or I’ll find something interesting in what was said and ask questions about it. These techniques let the speaker know that I’m still listening, while helping me understand them better. To be clear…

Quietness isn’t better than talkativity, or vice versa. They’re just different.

Sometimes, what’s missing reveals what’s hidden.

This applies to other traits, too…

Stoicism

Stoicism is one of the most misunderstood concepts of our time.

If you’re not expressing your feelings and emotions, you must be keeping your feelings bottled up inside, right?

No. Because there’s another possibility.

The feeling or emotion may not exist.

When I mentioned how the interviewer described me as “too quiet,” I’m sure there are people who assumed I was angrily offended that the interviewer dismissed how I felt. Like, “how dare you call me quiet!” I’m sure there are those who believe I bottled up my anger.

Of course, not. Because I didn’t see the interviewer or the interview that way.

I know I’m quiet. That’s not news to me. So, the interviewer wasn’t wrong for pointing it out. More than anything, I wanted to improve so I can succeed in upcoming job interviews. That’s why I welcomed the feedback I got. I was glad and content. Maybe even happy.

Stoicism is all about reframing a situation in your favour. It’s about looking at a situation in a way that evokes the emotions you want to feel. Who wants to be angry and depressed all the time? Not me. So, rather than letting my emotions choose me, I choose my emotions.

In Dive 80, I called this skill “choosing your emotional flight.” It doesn’t always work. It takes practice. As all skills do. But it gives you an alternative to expressing or burying emotions you don’t like.

The absence of emotions could be the presence of healthy stoicism. Unfortunately, while you can see emotional outbursts, you can’t quite see stoicism. You might see calm, cool composure—a product of stoicism. But you can’t see if stoicism is done right.

Maybe a person isn’t expressing emotions because they’re bottling up their feelings. Or maybe they chose a healthier perspective on a situation. Only they know what they chose. And it would be wrong for us to assume the worst of others.

Assuming the worst of others is how modern society vilified stoicism. Ridding us of a useful way to choose our emotions for better mental health. That’s why it’s helpful to remember:

The absence of something is often the presence of something you can’t see.

We might see a person who’s “quiet” because it’s harder to see someone who’s observant.

We might see a person who’s emotionless because it’s harder to see someone’s point of view.

We might see a child who’s free from responsibility because it’s harder to see the adults responsible for them.

So, the next time you see someone lacking a trait and you want to understand them better, flip the frame. What traits does the person have that could explain what seems like the absence of another trait?

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Reply to belowthesurfacetop@gmail.com or click “Message Alvin” if you have questions or comments. I’d love the hear from you.

Thank you for reading. Look for what you can’t see. And I’ll see you in the next one.