Dive 101: How happy people resolve conflicts fast

Leaders take initiative to make amends.

Hey, it’s Alvin!

In over 10 years of software development, I found that one of the best and fastest ways to resolve a conflict with someone is to speak with the other person in the same room. It doesn’t have to be a physical room. It can be a virtual one, like a Zoom meeting. But there needs to be a dedicated time and space for it.

Conflicts often come up in software development when one dev needs another dev to design a software component in a specific way so the first dev can integrate it into their project easily. But the second dev might need to design it a different way to work it into their project. Or it could be that they each have their own ideas on how to best solve a set of problems. What happens next is email tagging.

I’ll email Bob clarifying what I need.

Bob emails me, clarifying what he needs instead.

I’ll reply to Bob, trying to compromise on the solution design.

Bob replies to me explaining why the compromise won’t work, so he suggests another compromise that doesn’t quite work for me.

This could go on and on. And this endless back-and-forth happens with any form of asynchronous communication, like chat. Email tagging happens for a few reasons:

1. Too many developers aren’t good at expressing their ideas in writing—a skill that takes practice.

2. Conflicts are often too complicated to keep concise in writing, which either leads to 1000-word essays or oversimplified responses.

   1. No one wants to read 1000-word essays, especially when they’re dry and boring. See (1).

   2. Oversimplified responses rarely address the root cause of a conflict without a follow-up (essay).

3. There are too many distractions. Most likely the email is seen as a distraction from other tasks, so it may not get the focused attention it needs.

So, after a few exchanges, I’ll often send one more message like, “hey, Bob, let’s hop on a call to chat about this.” And if Bob’s busy, I’ll schedule a meeting when we both have a dedicated time and space to focus on the conflict.

By the end of the meeting, we’ll have either resolved the conflict, or we’ll have actions to take before a follow-up. I find this to be an efficient way to resolve conflicts among mature people desperate to get things done fast. So, I highly recommend it, especially if you haven’t tried this.

What does a childish conflict look like?

I recently saw a podcast on YouTube where a group of four or five hosts chatted about how “gen Z men lost their passion and adventure.” Guess how many of the hosts were gen Z men?

None as far as I could tell. At least, none who could relate to gen Z men. Because every host just gave their own theory for why they think gen Z men don’t have passion. And the reason this is bizarre is because this is a group that has more than one million subscribers and their videos get tens of thousands of views. They have the money and resources to reach out to “gen Z men” and chat with them to understand what’s going on. So, why don’t they?

I don’t have an answer. I just don’t understand. It would be awkward if I reached out to a random stranger and asked. But these people have a professional video podcasting setup and have been interviewing for years. It’s part of this broader phenomenon where it’s like online creators don’t like talking to those outside their bubble. And this behaviour extends to interpersonal conflicts.

Have you ever had two friends who refuse to speak to each other because of some spat? But they both come to you separately to convince you they’re right?

I’ve seen situations where two YouTubers will disagree with each other so much on an issue they’ll stop talking to each other. Then, they’ll each make videos advocating their own side. There’s bound to be a part of the video where they say something like, “I don’t know why they’re saying I did X. I didn’t do X. I did Y.” As a viewer, I’m dumbfounded.

I’m sitting there thinking to myself, “what’s with these peewee playground politics? You’re both adults. Why don’t you both just talk to each other in private? You’ve spoken with each other before.” Some might say they’re playing up the drama for views because views = money.

Maybe. Though often, it seems like creators just put out one or two public responses to a conflict before moving on with their lives. And businesses. You’d think they’d keep the drama going if all they wanted was attention. So, I don’t think it’s always just for show. My bigger concern is what this means for a society watching these public battles.

After all, many of these online creators are leading by example for millions of followers. And it would be an understatement to say I don’t recall seeing any two popular online creators fight and make up like actual friends.

What does leading by example look like?

Adults need to stop playing peewee playground politics.

If you have a beef with a fellow adult, you should both be able to have a cordial conversation for mutual understanding. That this still needs to be said speaks to the poor state of modern education. But that’s a separate topic.

For a while, I just could not understand recruiters. I was befuddled by selfish takes like this one. So, I reached out to recruiter,

Jennifer Widerberg

, who patiently explained to me parts of how technical recruiting works. Consider following her on X/Twitter where she shares tips for employers and job seekers. She is more transparent about recruiting processes than any other recruiter I ever worked with. Because I reached out, and because of her clarifications, I developed much more respect for recruiters. And I like to think I’m better equipped at working with them, so we both win at the hiring game.

Reaching out to someone is not always easy. But as the saying goes, “nothing worth doing is easy.”

Say no to peewee playground politics.

By the way, Jennifer recently created an app called WinWorkTalk that lets you record your experiences, achievements, skills and contacts to help you advance your career by owning your story. I wasn’t asked to promote this. But I got a preview and found it helpful for taking stock of my experiences and skills to better identify personal strengths. You can check out WinWorkTalk at the following link: https://winworktalk.com.

Reply to belowthesurfacetop@gmail.com or click “Message Alvin” if you have questions or comments. I’d love the hear from you.

Thank you for reading. Reach out. And I’ll see you in the next one.