Dive 110: The key to Gratitude? Restraint.
Hey, it’s Alvin!
A former manager once described me as “a calming presence on the team.”
That surprised me because I never thought of myself that way. But I do value equanimity, especially amidst chaos. I try to stay composed. I don’t always succeed, but I don’t bottle up my feelings either. I choose my emotional flight—a technique I explored in Dive 80. Because I learned that choosing how and when to express powerful emotions can be a superpower.
In fact, choosing to hold back might be the key to something deeper: gratitude.
Let me explain.
On Anger
I used to run my school’s Environment Club. One of our regular after-school activities was to water plants in a new garden at the back of our school. I made my way from the school building to the garden about 200m (~650ft) away on a hot, sunny afternoon, where about half a dozen students were tending to the garden. As I got there, I saw one student running around spraying other students with the one water hose we had.
We had a job to do. So, I tried to get the attention of the one with the hose, so I can get the plants watered, reasoning that “look, you can play when we’re done.” Of course, he didn’t stop. So, I shouted,
“QUIT FOOLING AROUND WITH THE HOSE, SO WE CAN GET THIS DONE AND GO HOME.”
I was furious. Not just because I felt like we were wasting time, but because I didn’t want others to see this tomfoolery as an excuse to reduce our club’s funds, which we had to fight for.
When I went ballistic, everyone stopped what they were doing. Eyebrows raised in shock for a moment before getting to work. Look, I wasn’t trying to be a party pooper. I said they could play after we were done. At least, then, if we were questioned about it, I could justify that we did do our jobs.
I tend to think part of why my outburst caught people’s attention is that it’s rare. People weren’t expecting it. At all.
On the other hand, I know people who are angry all the time. When I met them the first time, I was taken aback every time they got angry. But over time I got used to it. Seeing them angry became the norm for me. I saw their anger as their default, so the impact of their anger on me lessened. Psychologists call this habituation.
It’s “the boy who cried wolf” effect.
Experiences like these taught me the value of restraining myself from using a powerful tool. Because every act of restraint makes the tool ever more powerful for when you need it most.
People can’t habituate to what they’re not exposed to.
And just like anger, swearing can lose its edge when it’s overused.
On Swearing
I first said, “fuck” when I was around 10 years old.
Two of my friends and I would go out to recess, away from the adults in our lives where we’d tease one another, calling each other “motherfucking assholes.”
Clearly, we weren’t rebels. So, we exercised restraint. We only swore out of earshot of prying adults. And it was only because of our self-restraints that made our fucking around extra fun.
And funny.
We were 10 years old, ok?
For about a year, it was quite fun. We would swear more often until we injected an extra fuckin’ word mid-sentence, every sentence. And it wasn’t long before I started to realize that the more we used it, the less powerful it felt. Because the more we swore, the more the swears blended into normal, everyday conversations until they meant… nothing. For a while, “fuck” became nothing more than a verbal tic randomly injected into almost every sentence we spoke.
We habituated ourselves to swearing.
In doing so, we diminished the value and impact of fuckery.
For reasons beyond this dive, my two friends and I drifted apart. I made new friends who didn’t swear, so I stopped the cursing. Save only for moments when I’m exasperated to an extreme tipping point. What you’re seeing here is the most I’ve cussed in ages.
Maybe you’ve met adults who swear with almost every other word they speak. I can never take their swears seriously. Their swears mean nothing to me. And I don’t know about you, but I find it annoying. Because I find it harder to understand what someone is saying when they inject so much noise in their speech.
But this idea of diminishing value isn’t limited to emotions or words.
It’s everywhere.
Intemperance is… everywhere
Restraint increases the value of the thing we’re restraining ourselves from.
So, logically, intemperance (lack of restraint) devalues life and society.
News media outlets could save their most sensational headlines for the most sensational events. But by representing almost everything outrageously, it gets harder for readers like me to take them seriously. I’m numb to exaggerated headlines now because I know the substance of the story likely isn’t as ridiculous as they imply at the top of the article.
In many ways our modern technological environment encourages intemperance.
Rick Beato is a music producer and educator who talked about how he had to work for money to buy records when he was young. If you didn’t have money, you couldn’t buy music. So, you had to wait. You had to exercise restraint. Nowadays, we can listen to music on YouTube for free or a few seconds of ads. We can listen to what we want, when we want, and it seems like we have no obvious reason to restrain ourselves. So, we don’t. Beato explains that the consequence is that music isn’t as precious as it used to be.
The sexual revolution was lauded as a positive force. But a consequence is that sex became a commodity. When it was restricted to monogamous relationships, couples had to exercise restraint. And when they could finally copulate, it was an intimate, personal experience because they would’ve only experienced it with each other. After sexual liberation, the value of sex plummeted.
When too many women give sex away cheaply, it lowers the value of sex, itself, resulting in a form of sexual inflation.
- Erin Byrd on “The Immature vs Mature Feminine”
I remember when my mom once saw me guzzling a bag of chocolate wafers. Her immediate response was,
少食多滋味
That’s a Cantonese expression that roughly translates to: “less eating; bigger flavours.” In other words:
Less is more.
My father chimed in about how those wafers were expensive back when he was young. It was a luxury, so he and his siblings took time to enjoy them. I’m willing to bet he enjoyed the wafers much more than I did downing a dozen in a few minutes.
“With my extended family, when we meet for meals, we have so many courses. Like, we eat from 12 to 6pm. So, we’re eating and talking for 6 hours. And obviously, that’s a special meal. We don’t want that to happen every single day. If that was my everyday life, I would get fed up…. I consider them special meals. It’s not something I do every single day. Otherwise, I would feel super unbalanced and really unhappy.”
- Lucile on Why is it so Easy to be Thin in France?
I’m starting to understand why gluttony is a sin.
And this isn’t just about food.
First attaining self-discipline in the area of food and drink would make adherence to all of the other virtues easier.
Why is this? Hunger and thirst are some of the most primal of urges, and thus are some of the hardest to control. Therefore, when seeking to gain self-discipline, one must start with the most basic appetites and work up from there.
- Brett & Kate McKay on The Virtuous Life: Temperance
We celebrate all the technologies we have because they offer us more convenience than ever before. Never in history have we had more ways to gratify ourselves instantly.
But the overlooked consequence is that we are also more intemperate than ever before. The consequence of our diminishing self-restraint is that we value life less. We experience less gratitude, fulfillment, and contentment.
The true value of freedom is having the option to do something.
But just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should.
“I have a snow blower, but I don’t use it in July.”
- Red Forman from That ‘70s Show
Restraint isn’t just about denial. Restraint is about accruing value. In people, in pleasures, in life. And it starts with the small stuff. Starting this week, try holding back. Just a little. What you notice might surprise you.
After all,
Less is more.
Reply to belowthesurfacetop@gmail.com if you have questions or comments. What do you think about the dynamic between restraint and intemperance these days? How do you exercise restraint in a world that favours intemperance?
If you enjoyed this Dive, check out Dive 32. There, I explore why good leaders push back on silly demands… but with restraint.
Thank you for reading. Practice self-restraint. And I’ll see you in the next one.